I am writing this with so many thoughts and emotions going thru me right now…. It is very hard to explain how I feel therefore the lack of posts. I read other posts and find myself experiencing some of the same things as them but yet it is so hard for me to get out on paper!
On one hand I am saddened; it seems there is so much terminal sickness going on around me. People close to me battling cancer, children battling cancer that I knew their parents years ago, cancer scares to close family members and the list goes on. I can’t even turn on the news anymore without being sickened. Our country is in so much turmoil. So much violence and hatred. All you read about is murder, vandalism, rape, abuse, etc… and it seems to be the kids! Not that those situations happening to adults is right, I don’t think that at all but it seems all I am hearing is kids. I heard something this past weekend that in my opinion I had no business hearing but I can’t change the fact that I heard it. It sickened me deeply and ever since I have been battling it. I will have images, thoughts, etc… pop up in my head all day long. I know this is sounding really bad and I am sorry, I don’t know how else to write about it and I don’t want to go into detail. I just need to get rid of it and figured I would release here. I know it is the devil beating me up and I rebuke him everyday in THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! But then I got to thinking today, maybe there is a message in all of this.
I was listening to a Christian radio station earlier this week when I was in the car and they had the wife of a singer on the group Selah on there talking about their familie’s experience recently with loosing their newborn. They had 3 other children and sometime in the middle of her pregnancy the ultrasound detected major problems. While others would have terminated the pregnancy right then and there, they chose for her to carry the baby to term. I did not catch what the problems were but the baby died 2 hours after she was born. This woman had created a blog during that time, from the time they found out thru the whole ordeal. That way friends and family could stay updated without them having to repeat everything so much. During this broadcast, the DJ read a blurp from the book this lady wrote titled I Will Carry You; The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy. It was quoted from the blog that she had wrote and in it she was saying that basically while we go thru trials and such here on this earth, we are disappointed, hurt, scared, etc and that during this difficult time she clung to God and His Scriptures, not because they took the pain and hurt away, not because it made the trials easier but because they gave her comfort and peace. And then she went on to say that GOD IS ENOUGH. That phrase has stuck with me all week. When I just stop and think about it, it is so true! He truly is enough, but we have to let Him be which is where we as humans mess up so much! The scripture reads in Psalm 46:10-11, “Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, and I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah” This speaks volumes to me right now.
I was also reading the blog of the little 5 year old boy I know (used to go to church with his father) that is battling a horrible cancer in the last stage. The mother wrote the blog entry for today and here is a little blurp from it that made me think.
“One of the things that was grieving me the most was time wasted. Guilt plagued me, I wish I would've spent more time playing with him, reading to him, riding bikes, getting dirty, and I could go on and on. I know all you busy mom's know what I mean. There's always so much on the "to do" list every day, and life seems to rush by. Now I have a gift, its called "Time Redemption". God is helping me redeem the time with my son. He is connected to an IV 24/7 except for shower time, which I help him with, so I am there, hardly 2 feet away from him most of the day and all of the night. Thanking God for this precious gift.”
Do I put having a neat house, dished done, TV, gardening, etc... in place of cherishing time with my children? I know there are parts of our day that we need to do but speaking for myself, I am sure I could rearrange some things to spend a little more time with my precious gifts! Just something to think and chew on.
I know He truly is God and He is very much on the Throne. I know He is in complete control (if I let Him). If there is a message for me in all of this, I pray that I heed His call and listen. I just know right now, my heart is breaking. The thought of anyone, let alone children, hurting deeply upsets me. And the fact that there is so much of it in this world every day is overwhelming.